Dragon Diaries Part Eight

Sense of responsibility tried to get me out of bed this morning. I ated it. Tasted like chicken and existential dread.

Cat tried to get me out of bed today. Tasted cat again for first time in ages but did not ated cat. Cat backed off.

Might finally have to get out of bed today. Hoping for a party of adventurers looking for gold. Delicious delicious adventurers…

Not getting out of bed day four. Tried a new adventurer delivery service—recruiter puts up pics of hoard at local pub. Ated three treasure hunters so far…

Decided to get out of bed and walk in woods. Bumped into a dozen little orange trolls. Ated them. Blech. Next time, fire.

Ran into another pack of little orange trolls. Flamed and ated them. Disappointed. Cooking doesn’t help flavor at all.

Day 3 of little orange trolls overrunning enchanted forest. Not good to ated. Have resorted to squishing between toes. Blech!

Tired of little orange trolls. Tired of ateding them. Tired of cooking them. Tired of stomping on them. ITS ON!

Started looking for source of little orange troll infestation, stomping and flaming along the way. Seem to be coming from way off to the right…

Still tracking down source of little orange trolls. Saw pointy-face horse trampling trolls. Weirded out to be on same side.

Taking a breather while pointy-face horse spears little orange trolls. Bad infestation means working in shifts, pacing self.

After helping with little orange trolls, pointy-face horse wants to be called “unicorn”. Off to hunt more trolls now with unicorn.

Have reached edge of enchanted forest in search of source of little orange trolls. Who knew there were enchanted suburbs?

Waiting for dark to advance into enchanted suburbs. Because SUBURBS! Never know when a jello salad might attack, or, worse, hot dish…

Today am thankful that cat tasted terrible enough to keep instead of ated! Purring very soothing.

Well, drat. Found source of little orange trolls. Bottomless artesian well of hate. Currently plugging with dragon butt, but need better answer….

Still plugging troll hole with dragon butt. Trolls tried to claw way out. Heh. Didn’t know we flame at both ends. Red in front, blue in back.

Unicorn has returned with cat. Cat thinks we should let trolls out and bat them around until they stop squeaking. Not helpful. Fun, but not helpful.

Cat argues trolls are an infinitely renewable resource like mice, so batting them around until they stop squeaking is really the best you can do.

Still blocking artesian troll well with dragon butt. Pressure building quickly—just saw one shoot out of nearby gopher hole. Squished but tweeting away…

Troll fountain reopened through new hole. Cat is right. Trolls and mice are infinite and we may as well bat them around till they stop squeaking.

Tired of playing bat and stomp with little orange trolls. Found a knight in very fancy armor. Ated him. Feeling better now.

The fancy knight was apparently a grand duke. Had lots of vassals. All delicious. So stuffed now can hardly move.

Must be almost Cthulhumas, first wave of carolers hit. Going to be belching choral music all afternoon.

Not into whole Cthulhumas thing—cookies, carolers, brightly wrapped cultists…okay those are tasty, but bows stick in teeth.

Everywhere I go is Cthulhumas carols and damned-soul cookies! Someone even started decorating trolls! Swear I’m going to pull a Smaug on this town…

When you are hammer, every problem looks like nail. When you are dragon, most problems look like lunch.

Hippogriff knocked at cave door. Very confusing. Looks like horse/eagle traffic accident. Ated it. Tastes like chicken/cow.

Looked out at the world this morning, and, just, nope. If you need me I’ll be under my hoard. Only nose above gold, and that barely.

Was thinking about getting up and going out, but cat curled up and went to sleep on tail. Am now seventeen tons of catbed.

Think am coming down with cold. Sneezed and lit deck on fire. Sigh. At least had a couple leftover knights to toss in for BBQ…

Got an early Cthulhumas gift from aunt Kayath. Electric knight shucker. Have mixed feelings. Peeling them’s half the fun.

Cthulhumas letter season has begun. Never know what to say. Met a bunch of irritating folks and ated them, same as always?

Dammit, somebody turned on winter again! Went outside. Snow everywhere. Flamed it. Now ice everywhere. Going to crawl into hoard and sleep till June.

Stuck nose outside cave again. Nine little orange trolls frozen solid on doorstep. Shattered them. Maybe this winter thing not so bad after all…

Was visiting neighbor when Cthulhu’s witnesses knocked. Ated them. Worried I’d overstepped until neighbor said I should start a service.

Aunt Kayath sent a tin of her excellent rum knights! Love the happy smiles on their little drowned faces.

Woken by the sunset crow of a cockatrice. Got out of hoard long enough to ated it. Going back to sleep now. It’s good to be the dragon.

Stupid Cthulhumas carols! Stupid Winter Horrorland! Can’t get “in the meadow we can build a snowsquid” out of my head.

“…and pretend that it is Cultist Brown. He’ll say “have you sacrificed?’ and we’ll say no squid…” ARGH!

Cthulhumas crèche is always so confusing. Why would they even have cows and camels in ancient R’lyeh? It’s underwater!

Delight—snow is basically tiny diamonds. Sparkly!Sparkly!Sparkly! Sadness—when you put it in your hoard it melts. Woe, woe and wurra!

Mount Dumorn elemental sent message—bad infestation of dwarves, need dragon before roots fatally weakened. Sigh. Duty calls.

Poor mountain spirit, have never seen dwarf infestation this bad. Worse than termites in a dryad tree. Going to need a LOT of dwarf recipes.

Went to get the ingredients for preparing dwarves but everything closed. Stupid Cthulhumas! Might have ated a shop door. Shhh

Working on mountain’s dwarf infestation. Entered through giant, overcompensating door. Flew over tiny bridge. Defensive thinking not dwarves’ long suit. Ated 53.

Trapped a lot of dwarves in the air shafts above a coal seam. Pumped in a ton of phyllo dough and lit coal. Will dig out all the little pies later.

Sooo many dwarves chewing away at poor old mountain’s roots…Needs drastic measures, but where to find 4,000 tons of pickling spices?

Was just charged by a trio of dwarves riding war goats… War. Goats. Stupidest idea ever. Ated them. Wish I’d had some curry.

Been belching dwarvish war goat all morning. Apparently they’re really hard to swallow. Hoping some of that dwarf pie will blot it out.

Next round of dwarves were mounted on war pigs. Very confused by a million pounds of combat bacon. Charge of the pork brigade…

Flamed the dwarven war pig cavalry. Only thing better than a million pounds of combat bacon on the hoof is frying it up. Bliss!

(Interlude 1) Found 2016 sneaking out the back door. Ated it. You’re welcome.

(Interlude 2) A special DragonDiaries message for new year: Always remember, enemies are delicious and making them a good meal is best revenge.

Oh hell, the dwarven hoard has attracted an army of goblins—so hard to prepare. All that washing and boiling and mincing…

I hate the holidays. Stuffed, but still have dwarves coming out my ears, and now there are goblins to cook. Next it’ll be elves, you just know it.

Was right. Elves. Elves on elks. Which is almost, but not quite, as stupid as dwarven war goats. Good ateding, though. Antlers make them crunchy and meaty at the same time.

Oh for Cthulhu’s sake! Tired of ateding armies. Tried to fly home, but elves on elks were final straw. Can’t get off ground.

In stupidest plot twist ever goblins arrived via giant tunnel worms. Upside: cozy place to digest until light enough to fly.

May have discovered a small problem—tunnel worms are smaller around than dragons. Feel a bit like a cork in a bottle.

Still having trouble with whole “tunnel worm” thing—the implausible married to the unnecessary. Sadly, doubt and scorn won’t get me unstuck.

Stuck in worm tunnel day 3. Thinking might have way out…dragon breath is basically same as rocket blast, right?

Ow. Ow-ow-ow. Dragon breath _is_ like rocket blast and tunnel worms are champion farters. See also: Booooooooom! Unstuck now-ow-ow-ow!

Memo to self: dragons are fireproof but only explosion-resistant. Second memo to self: look for bulk supplier of aloe. Third memo to self: ow-ow-ow.

Okay, mountain can fix its own damn dwarf infestation. Going home to soak in giant tub of hot aloe—5 armies, pfah! 5,000,000,000 calories is more like it. Ow, ow, ow!

Limped home covered in honorable battle scars. Now cat is mocking my “fart blast burns.” Stupid cat…missed you. Stupid purrs.

Never fails. Two minutes in the bath and a Cthulhu’s Witness knocks on cave door. Sigh. At least they have consistent flavor profile.

Oh, hellish day, adventurers…sigh. At least magic users come with their own little spice packs like ramen. Spell ingredients are tasty!

Stupid fighter was wearing scale mail and she went down the wrong way, it’s like taking a cheese grater to your esophagus. Need a lozenge.

Just met the six musk oxen of the demipocalypse. Ated them, demipocalypse averted. Tasted like disappointing kimchi.

Feeling a bit better. Thinking may have to revisit dwarf infested mountain. Was promised treasure. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Little orange trolls are swarming again, but now they have a king. Biggest and ugliest one yet. Enormous. Going to take a lot of ateding. Sigh.

Have feeling stomping little orange trolls is going to get very old over next few years. Upside? I kinda love the way they squish between my toes.

Thought I was ready for the week. Was wrong. Crawling back under hoard—Sparkly, sparkly, sparkly hoard. Sleepy. Sleepy. Sleepy…

Got to get back to troll stomping. With great weight and giant feet comes great responsibility and giant orange puddles of troll goo.

A knight came to the cave this morning. Didn’t ated him. Flamed him instead. Some days you just want to watch things burn.

Attacked by frost giant. V. disappointing. Not flammable and ateding is like chewing freezer-burned ice cubes.

Couldn’t choose between burning things and crawling into hoard to hibernate. Decided on hoardside troll roast. They burn orange too.

Aunt Kayath sent me her book of troll recipes. 1,001 ways to render the inedible into the merely unpalatable. Whee.

Starting to get appetite back after dinner of 5 armies. Ated 6 knights, 5 squires, 11 horses, and a fair maiden for dessert.

Got in argument with Cthulhu’s witness that claimed if we gave the ancient one a chance he’d rule us well. Flamed & ated him.

Cthulhu’s Witness said I have anger issues. Explained dragons call that being a dragon. Then I ated him and burned his cart.

What is it with Cthulhu’s Witnesses? Today’s told me the world sucked so why not take a chance on ancient evil? Stomped him.

As I was going to Saint Ives I met a man with seven wives and ated them all. Not bad for fast food.

The problem with gnomes is that once you have one you can’t stop till you’ve ated the whole bag and they’re hella greasy.

Told troll to shut up and go away. It said I was being intolerant. I said I was being dragon and ated it. Trolls stupid.

Time traveler came back in time to kill me before I could ated his mother. The future tastes like chicken.

Cthulhu’s Witnesses Bishop asked me to quit ateding his missionaries. Dipped him in hot resin—thinking of making chess set.

Cat said I’m overdoing it and climbed up between my ears to nap. Holding very still now.

Cat still napping on head. Still holding very still, though did manage to flame a door-to-door grimoire salesgoblin.

How can an eight pound cat pin a seventy ton dragon? How? Sigh. Maybe I’ll get to move tomorrow…

Ordered take-out so as not to disturb cat. Knight rolls were dried out and there was only one goblin in the soup. Ated delivery driver. Not bad.

Ordered out again. Bugbear pizza was good, but the troll dipping sauce is giving me heartburn and with dragons that means real live FIRE on the hillsides.

Delivery service said it wouldn’t send more drivers if I kept ateding them. Told service I knew where their office was. They sent new driver. Yum!

Might be coming down with a cold. Sneezed and lit the neighbor’s barn on fire. Then ated cows, because barbecue reflex. Oops.

Thinking about going a-marauding. Been way too long since I had a good maraud. Or a good meringue for that matter… Hmm…

Finally figured out how to do the rook for my life dragon size chess set! Found a pixie fortress and poured resin on it. Now need three more…

Met a king who was planning to divide his kingdom between his three daughters. Ated him because that seemed a mercy,

Today I met a prince who couldn’t decide whether or not to kill his uncle or…what to have for breakfast or…anything really. Ated him—another mercy munching.

Met a lady who kept scrubbing her hands and saying she couldn’t get the blood off. Funny, I didn’t taste anyone else’s blood when I ated her…

Was invited to a party by Oberon. Something about an ass. Boring. Ated the messenger. Fairies taste like sparkly chicken.

Met four confused lovers in the woods. Someone bedewed their eyes with love-in-idleness. Ated them. It was a mercy.

The enchanted forest is full of weirdness right now. Ated 6 rustic workmen practicing a play. One tasted completely like ass.

Today’s woods meeting was with zombie. Ateding them just makes unhappy tummies. Burned to ash…again. Hoping it takes.

Must be spring in the enchanted forest. Saw a princess go by with a knight tied over saddlebow. Offered her my knight shucker.

Memo to me: unicorns can drink dragons into hibernation. Must have slept a year. Feeling a little bad about thief that woked me. Apparently can’t hit snooze on halflings. They squish.

Was really hoping someone would solve the little orange troll problem. Hibernation fail. Sigh. Better get out wellies and start stomping.

Knight from Crossbow Rights Association came to cave today spouting some blither about only good knight with crossbow can stop bad knight with crossbow. Told him there are no bad knights, only bad recipes. He tried to shoot me with crossbow. I ated him. Not bad.

Went to beach with cat. Discovered MERMAIDS! And ated them, of course. Oh my Cthulhu, half fish, half princess, and all delicious. The perfect food for cat and dragon!

Traveling salesgnome stopped by cave selling kitchen stuff. Wanted 19 gold for mermaid slicer and 10 for cookbook. Ridiculous. Ated him of course. Kept mermaid slicer. Works good. Not 19 gold good, but not bad. Gnome was bland. Maybe cookbooks have spicing idea.

Recipe book suggests phoenix sauce for gnomes. Conveniently there was phoenix juicer in salesgnome’s pack. Just need to find a brace of phoenixes…

Unpacking salesgnome’s gadgets. Who needs a chimera sectioner? And what is a manticorer even? OTOH, basilisk peeler could come in handy. So many devices it’s hard to believe eyes…

Holy Cthulhu! Made phoenix sauce. It’s like vampire pepper, only every time you get the fire out of mouth you get brief taste of ashes, then more FIRE. LOVE IT! Like witch on a flaming stick only hotter.

Burn and blight it! Tried phoenix sauce on a brace of mermaids. Went up like marshmallows dropped in a fire. Cat’s tail poofed like wendigo in a dryer.

Oh no, Tiamat’s witnesses door-knocking again. Was going to ated them, but the heartburn not worth it. Also they brought a gorgon. Not sure how she gets her bangs to do that… Serpent-product? Snake-spray?

Cat brought me a poster:
“Vote GreAt and MiGhty GOrk for EviL OveRlord!
The UltiMate VotE for The UltimAte EviL!
PuTTing the EnchAnted Back in the ForeSt!“
Underneath was picture of scraggiest kobold ever. Might have to ated someone.

Off to look for, quote, “The GreAt and MiGhty GOrk!” Enchanted Forest doesn’t need to be made enchanted again. Is enchanted already. Epically DumB slogan. Also, Evil Overlords supposed to be good for digestion. Like prunes or deep fried goblins.

Found “GreAt and MiGhty GOrk for EviL OveRlord!” headquarters. Is entirely staffed by little orange trolls. Suspect this is source. May be able to skewer two knights with one lance…mmm, shish kebab.

Dragon: Let’s go.
Cat: We can’t.
Dragon Why not?
Cat: We’re waiting for The GreAt and MiGhty GOrk! *time passes*
Cat: We have to come back tomorrow.
Dragon: What for?
Cat To wait for GOrk.

Man in pointy hat said he would drive me out of Enchanted Forest. Very confused. Told him preferred to fly. He brandished hooked stick at me. Ated him. Tasted of shamrocks and green beer…

Ated wayyyyy too many leprechauns yesterday. Going to eat a nice bland knight, crawl _under_ hoard, and let blissfully cold coins bury head. Back tomorrow…maybe.

Lying under hoard trying to get head to stop trying to secede from body when knight starts pounding at cave door. Next, wondering why idiots think dragon door knocking good idea. Then, think: Wait, why question self delivering meals. In the end, reader, I ated him.

Enormous package arrived from aunt Kayeth. Afraid to open. It’s growling…

Big box from Kayeth still growling after four days.
Guess I better open it…

War grubs? 1,00,000 of them? What the Cthulhu?
Card says for GOrk…

Have spent four fruitless days reading directions for proper care and delivery of war grubs. Think I may have accidentally assembled a couch from ITHAQUA, instead. Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn, and all that.

Cat says I had war grubs directions upside down. Also, was reading the Elvish side of sheet. On the upside cat always wanted ITHAQUA couch I accidentally assembled.

Have been offered a position at Enchanted Forest University as Associate Dean for ateding administrative problems. Sounds legit. Also, delicious.