Dragon Diaries Part Seven

Ated another tax collector this morning. What part of “dragon” do they not understand?

Starting to hope more tax collectors will come by. Empty calories, but they have great crunch factor. Maybe I could arrange to have a team of auditors stop in…
—Love the way their little briefcases pop between my teeth.

Biggest problem of being fictional? Getting left in limbo for months at a time. Stupid writer. I’d toast him but it might go badly.

“A one L lama, he’s a priest. A two L llama, he’s a beast.” Both are delicious when breaded and fried, what a feast! (With apologies to Ogden Nash)

Same old same old. Knight came a calling claiming I’d devoured his own true love, blah blah blah, despair. I mercy-ated him. You know, put him out of my misery and all that.

Knight had a squire, officious looking fellow with a poofy mustache. I ated him too. Crunch-crunch-crunch.

Cat came home all fluffy after arguing with some village official. Am most displeased. On the upside, said official will likely be delicious…

Dwarves tunneling new annex to lair decided to go on summer hiatus. So i hi-ated them. Need new dwarves…

Hired replacement dwarves for lair annex project. Told them come after 8:00. Arrived noisily at 6:00 am. Ated them. They were delicious! But need new dwarves again.

This set of dwarves doing great work on lair annex! Considering paying them before I ated them…

Who knew that having Dwarves dig new lair annex would be so filling? Even without armor they really sit heavy in the stomach. Maybe I should have gone with kobolds for the tunnel work, aunt Kayath has a great fried kobold recipe…

Stupid dwarves! Partially dug out the new side tunnel, got dust all over my horde—and then said oh, btw, we need backordered tool to finish the job. See you in a few weeks, ta! Would have ated them, but really want this lair annex finished. ARGH!

Very pleased with Dwarves today! Installing dragon-sized hot tub is tricksy work. Almost going to regret ateding them at end of job.

What is it with knights harassing dragons anyway? Hobby? Compulsion? Disease? Ah well, at least the come in their own roasting pans…

Argh! Oak paneling for new game room infested with dryads. Didn’t catch it before they bred. Nymphs everywhere, what a mess! This is going to take a LOT of BBQ sauce to clean up. Sigh. Better get to ateding them…

Dryad infestation still going ganbusters—stupid dwarves, stupid lair addition, stupid hardwood paneling supplier, stupid insurance company’s stupid no mythical creatures exemption… At least I’m finely developing a taste for nymphs. Now, if only there were more good recipe for dryad…

It’s not the taste of dryads that’s the problem so much as the texture. They’re a little…woody. Ow! Cat just swatted me.

Dwarves all sorted till job-end dinner party. But the goblins installing the ‘wisp lights and other magic fixtures have poofed, argh!

Goblins have unpoofed themselves, and just when I had a good sauce going… Ah well, I guess dryad is back on the menu.

Feeling mellower about the whole dwarves and goblins running all over the lair tearing everything apart thing. Still planning on ateding the lot, but will definitely pay them first.

Went flyabout this morning. Saw two kobolds in some kind of flying machine–fascinating. Also, crunchy!

Horrible banging in new entry 3AM. Went to see. Found drunken unicorn trying to fly. Wish they were atable…

Drunken unicorn now stuck in my rafters. Apparently, they CAN fly… Do not ated the unicorn, Do not ated the unicorn, Do not…

Argh, hate hate hate being unicorn intolerant. Wishing for unicaid pill. Or, maybe drunk unicorn isn’t as inateable as sober…

…and now the unicorn is singing. That’s it. Pointy-face horse is lunch!

I ated the unicorn… *belch* It’s not sitting well. I ated the whole thing. Well, except for the horn. Cat says don’t eat the horn—it’s just garnish.

Just gonna lay here and try to digest for the next hundred years or so… Unicorn, why did it have to be unicorn?

Dwarves and kobolds all finished with their work on lair addition. Paid them handsomely…then ated them. Good workmanship is delicious!

Went for a fly. Sunny morning, cat on my head, three knights ated with squires and all the other trimmings. Perfect fall day.

New neighbors brought over cookies. Ated them. Left cookies for cat.

Real estate agent stopped by to tell me devouring neighbors brings down property values. Ated real estate agent. Try THAT location on for size!

Was about to go flyabout. Got to thinking about my hoard… Have you ever really looked at your hoard? Mmm—golden cup. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Counting the sparkly now.

Found extra bucket of rubies after I finished counting hoard. Guess I’ll have to start over…sadness…hee! Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Bunch of elves and fairies shut down Enchanted Forest Board over new health plan. Were all, “We’re immortal we don’t need healthcare.” Ated them. With extreme prejudice.

Elves and faeries go down much sweeter than unicorns. Going to look for a whole caucus of them to ated.

Neighborhood watch captain came by to complain about my ateding realtor, new neighbors, etc. You know the rest… Delicious.

Aunt Kayath downsizing, getting rid of summer lair. Says I can have as much of hoard as I’m willing to haul away. Suspect there’s a catch…but Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Stopped at Aunt Kayath’s summer place to check out her old hoard. OMT! Seems dangerous to disturb that much loot. Afraid Cthulhu might be in there somewhere… Pretty sure I saw a jeweled tentacle.

Finally finished digesting stupid unicorn. Feels like I laid an egg…or a rock. A rainbow rock. Just know it’s going to hatch another damned unicorn…

Okay, Aunt Kayath’s old summer hoard appears to be breathing. That can’t be good. If it weren’t so damned sparkly I’d already be gone. But…Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cat sent carrier pixie with note saying there’s sap sheeting out of the oak paneling with the Dryad infestation… Sigh.

Trying to figure out how to get Aunt Kayath’s hoard home. Huge claws great for poking knight, not so hot for carrying coins…

Pockets. Why did no one think to give dragons pockets? They gave us gold lust but no way to carry anything smaller than a cow. Kangaroos get pockets and they don’t even like gold. It’s not fair.

Dammit, Kayath’s hoard is breathing again! Maybe no pockets is a good thing? The Sparkly keeps distracting me from the breathing…Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

May have solution to pocket problem. Going to bring in a bunch of halflings from enchanted forest. Hear they’ve got great pocketses and are known for bringing treasure back again from there.

Have recruited Boffo Bigguns to collect aunt Kayath’s summer hoard for me. Recruiting, halflingnapping, same thing, yes?

New hoard just ATE the halfling. Long, ruby-encrusted tentacle snaked out, and…sluuuurp. Great, am now proud owner of Cjewelhu.

Flew home to check on cat. Found lair flooded with dwarves doing “further renovations.” Mostly scratching posts, padded shelves, and heated flooring. Suspect I know who ordered the work done…

Bad week. Still have Cjewelhu infesting hoard, dryads infesting the paneling, dwarves infesting lair, and now it’s snowing…in October. Sigh. At least unicorn no longer infesting my colon.

Huh, that unicorn I passed last week kind of looks like a little rainbow egg. You just know it’s going to hatch into another unicorn. Hmmm…

Have plan to sink Cjewelhu having once passed a unicorn: Take halfling, stuff unicorn egg in britches. Toss into hoard. Wait…

Offered scholarship to local university. Ated it. Ated the messenger too. Considering ateding ivory tower…

Turns out scholarship messenger was football coach. Angry Dean came to complain, so I ated him too. Terrible and rancid.

Was going down to the—SQUIRE! Wait what did I start—SQUIRE! Damn things are everywhere, running around the yard and—SQUIRE! Argh! Better ated it.

Need adjustable legs for giant golden couch so I can shift sleeping angle. Ideally would like 50 grades of chaise…



To Be Continued

Dragon Diaries Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven. Also, Unicorn Diaries and Dragon’s Cat