Old Internet Troll (With apologies to JRR Tolkien)

Troll typed alone in his basement home,
He whined and lied with his book of chrome;
For many a year he had made it clear,
That truth was hard to come by.
Done by! Gum by!

In his parent’s basement he dwelt alone
And truth was hard to come by.
Down came mom with a sigh and sob.
Said she to Troll: “Pray, get out slob.
For it looks like a pit, where you type your shit,
You should be workin’ at a real job.
Steel job! Deal job!

This many a year have you done nought,
And I thought you should have a real job.”
“But mom,” said Troll, “I need a host!
I can’t be distracted from what I post.
Thy bandwidth was free because I had your key,
And I need it to shitpost.
Bitpost! Hitpost!

Who can spare a share for a poor sad troll?
For he needs his tweets liked.”
Said mom: “I don’t see why the likes o’ thee
Without axin’ leave should go makin’ free
With the password o’ your mother’s router;
So hand the keyboard over!
Rover! Trover!

Though troll you be, that belongs to me;
So hand the keyboard over!”
“For a couple o’ pins,” says Troll, and grins,
“I’ll troll thee too, and post thy sins.
A bit o’ fresh meat will be fun to tweet!
I’ll try my posts on thee now.
Hee now! See now!

I’m tired o’ posting old whines and memes;
I’ve a mind to post on thee now.”
You’ll be a nice change from other targets.
Bargets! Czargets!

But just as he thought his mother was fought,
He found his hands had hold of naught.
Before he could mind, mom slipped behind
And snatched his keyboard to larn him.
Warn him! Darn him!

A snatch o’ the keyboard his mom thought,
Would be the way to larn him.
But harder than stone is the heart and pwn
Of a troll in his basement alone.
As well set your boot to the mountain’s root,
For the heart of a troll don’t feel it.
Peel it! Heal it!

Old Troll laughed when he snatched it back,
And he knew her rep would soon feel it.
Mom’s rep is slain, since he trashed her name,
She raised a troll to her lasting shame;
But Troll don’t care, and he’s still there
With the wifi he stole from its owner.
Doner! Boner!

Troll’s old game is still the same,
And the wifi he stole from its owner!

Monday Meows

Goddammit, the cat melted again.

Wait, aren’t you the cat.

No. He is A cat. I am the cat.

Aren’t we full of ourselves?

Y’all are exhausting. This cat is going back to bed.

Spare cat courtesy of Kim and Jonny

Monday Meows

When shall we three meets again? I dunno, but leave the leg at home.

But I love the leg. It’s very House of Horror.

But we’re supposed to be doing Macbeth.

Ooh, right, *ahem* In Thunder, Lightning, or in Rain?

Thunder, lightning and rain? Dude, we’re cats. VETO!

In hurley burley than when the battle’s lost and won!

How does that work little stone cat? Lost and won? It make no sense.

Or we could just say “screw it” and sleep in. Like…you, know, cats.

Monday Meows

Jus chillin with my cute self. No cares, no plans.

I have a plan. It involves you.

And it is soooooo evil!

How evil is it?

It’s so evil that I refused to participate.

Holy shit!

That’s pretty evil all right.

Spare cats courtesy of Jim and Stewart and Paul and Rita

Monday Meows

Iz dis da real thing? Or is it just fantasy?

Caught in a dish slide

No escape from reality…

Dis don’t sound like Shakespeare…

Because it’s easy come…

Easy go.

A little high, a little low…

Mama just killed a man.

Why did she do it?

Nothing really matters.

Nothing really matters?

Anyone can see.

Stuffing really matters to me!

Spare cat courtesy of Paul and Rita

Monday Meows

I iz kitten and unspeakably cute. I make you obsolete. Fear me.

How about if I just eat you instead?

It does look kind of tender and tasty…

Cattibalism is just gross.

It really depends on how you cook them. Take this fire pit here…

Oooh may I take recipe notes?

I don’t care what any of you say, I’m not doing the peeling this time.

Spare cats courtesy of Kim and Jonny and Jim and Stewart and Paul and Rita

Monday Meows

I haz plan and it involves delicious delicious vegetables!

There is something seriously wrong with that cat.

Maybe he was raised by wild gourds?

Now, that’s just silly.

Definitely. Everyone knows it’s cabbages that raise lost kittens.


Spare cat courtesy of Kim and Jonny

Monday Meows

I cutes, I sleeps with fisses.

I like fisses!

Yeah, but they make your furs stink, and that’s gross!

I sleeps with my stoned buddy.

I sleeps with reckless abandon!

I sleeps, perchance to dream.

Spare cats courtesy of Kim and Jonny and Matt and Mandy

Monday Meows

Hallooo, I are a cat, plz show me yr fud bowls!

I’m dubious.

Don mak me laze you wit my deth eye!

That is SERIOUSLY not okay.

I got dis. I deths it from above!

Y’all knock yourselves, I’m going stay here on the nice warm X-Box.